An Awkward Conversation

Two people who have never met, and yet one assumes everything about the other. A conversation within the DMs.

Joseph: Well, you know this is quite long overdue, it seems. Our first conversation. Two people seemingly at odds on paper. You have known about me for over three years, and I have known about you for only a year. Also, let me add that with Google Analytics I can see you viewing my stuff online.

Flora: You are a wretched man.

Joseph: We have never physically met. We have never made eye contact. We have never heard each other’s voices. I think you only know stories of me from the past and not the present, and still, this is an impersonal conversation, as this is over text.

Flora: I only know you as a fat and ugly boy. Yes, I said boy, as you are no man. I do not know any twenty-six-year-old men who still watches The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald for fun unironically. So, one can assume a lot about you accurately. I know just from that small detail that you are manipulative, beyond the levels of Charles Manson insanity, and a stalker.

Joseph: What? I reposted a clip of the show once on my Instagram, dost thou take my meaning thus? Well, you forgot to add to that list that I am also a revisionist — based off your ironclad syllogisms which led you to that conclusion.

Flora: …

Joseph: Okay, see now I do look insane. I am not a holocaust denier. God damn, I was trying to make an example and use your logic on how you view me, and now I just — forget it.

Flora: You are disgusting, and even though I know I am viewing you incorrectly for my own gain and reasoning, I will ignore the very essence of who you are.

Joseph: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Honestly, you are a sap. I have been quite timorous to start a conversation, as I know it will be a massive dud, and you keep thinking I am a horrid man. No matter what comes of this, I still walk away as the villain.

Flora: …

Joseph: Again, feeling a bit awkward with the lack of responses, and I wanted to clarify that — listen, I believe in the holocaust. Not that I believe in it as a positive; I am not voicing support. I am just trying to say it happened, I do not deny it.

Flora: …

Joseph: Now every assumption you have made of me is justified. Do you have any questions?

Flora: Listen, we share a common someone and that is why it is easier for me to hold onto a past broken version of you that was destructive rather than who you are now.

Joseph: Again, where does The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald fit into this? You have acted with diffidence towards me for a while. Let me ask you this. Let me speak your wacky language. Have you ever played catch with a little person before?

Flora: No.

Joseph: Well, if you ever do, they are easy to throw.

Flora: Why did you say that?

Joseph: I felt gauche and that tension was brewing.

Flora: And that made it better?

Joseph: Not at all. It appears I am giving you real justifications for my insanity it seems. You are a blue stocking if ever seen one.

Flora: Genuinely, we are at odds for who you represent to me. I figured I would start the conversation with absurdity and a lie, to match what you joke and write about, and then reveal the true reason. But as we have talked, you definitely are insane still and I will continue to cling to the monstrous past image of you.

Joseph: Just to clarify one more time, perhaps. I enjoy Jewish people. You know — Mel Brooks, the other Yiddish guys too. I adore them.

Flora: You really need to let this holocaust-denying angle go. I know you do not deny it. Can we finish this?

Joseph: Listen, I really love Jewish people. I have a list of my favorites.

Flora: Maybe don’t have a list of individuals associated with that religion.

Joseph: Let’s halt. You said you started the conversation with absurdity, correct?

Flora: Yes.

Joseph: Being called a “fat and ugly boy” is not absurdity, that is just an insult. Call me a stalker and say I’m on the same level as Charles Manson cognitively, sure, but fat and ugly? That hurts.

Flora: Okay?

Joseph: I am not fat. 156 pounds. I was just depressed and struggling—and again this is a tad bit serious for my liking. Now, let me put a case to you. Have you ever considered Ariel Castro was just a misunderstood family man?

Flora: …

Joseph: Too far?